Indian Languages

Indian Languages

Introduction:

There are 29 states and 6 union territories in India. There are 18 official languages and approximately 100 other languages spoken in India. But, almost each of these 18 languages, include different dialects or variations of that language. Most of the languages of India belong to two families, Aryan and Dravidian.

Languages spoken in the four states of south India belong to the Dravidian family and most of the languages spoken in the north are of Aryan family. The general script of the Aryan languages is different from the general script of Dravidian languages.

History Of Indian Languages:

The Aryans are said to have entered India through the fabled Khyber pass, around 1500 BC. Before the Aryans, the Dravidian people resided in India. It is believed that coming of the Aryans pushed the local people southwards or towards the jungles and mountains in north India.
The Aryans are believed to have brought with them the horse, developed the Sanskrit language and made significant contribution to the religion of the times.
The languages spoken in present India, evolved in different phases of Indian history. In the earlier stage of Indian history other languages were spoken. The holy books of different religions that developed in ancient India are written in different languages. The holy books of Hinduism were written Sanskrit

Indian languages now in use have evolved from different language families in the course of time in history.

The Constitution has recognized Hindi, in the Devanagiri script, as Indias official language. However, English continues to be the official working language. For many educated Indians, English is virtually their first language, and for a great number of Indians who are multi-lingual, it will probably be the second. The regional languages have been recognized as the official language of the States. In many cases, the state boundaries are drawn between linguistic lines.
Despite their separate names, Hindi and Urdu are actually slightly different dialects of the same language. The main differences lie in their vocabulary sources, scripts, and religious traditions. Hindi vocabulary derives mainly from Sanskrit, while Urdu contains many words of Persian and Arabic origin; Hindi is written in the Devanagari script, and Urdu in a Persian Arabic script. Hindi is spoken mainly by Hindus; Urdu is used predominantly by Muslims—in India as well as throughout Pakistan.

Bihari is actually the name of a group of three related languages—Bhojpuri, Maithili, and Magahi—spoken mainly in northeastern India in Bihar. Despite its large number of speakers, Bihari is not a constitutionally recognized language of India. Even in Bihar, Hindi is the language used for educational and official matters.

Facts about Dravidian Languages

About 23 Dravidian languages are spoken by an estimated 169 million people, mainly in southern India.

The 4 major Dravidian tongues are recognized as official state languages—Tamil in Tamil Nadu, Telugu in Andhra Pradesh, Kannada (Kanarese) in Mysore, and Malayalam in Kerala.
Dravidian languages have long literary histories and are written in their own scripts.

Telugu is spoken by the largest number of people

Tamil has the richest literature, is thought to be extremely ancient, and it is spoken over the widest area, including northwestern Sri Lanka.


Official Languages Of India, recognized by the Indian constitution

	Language	Spoken Approx By
1	Assamese	13 million
2	Bengali	69.5 million
3	Gujarati	40 million
4	Hindi	337 million
5	Kannada	32 million
6	Kashmiri	56 thousand
7	Konkani	1.7 million
8	Malayalam	30.3 million
9	Manipuri	1.2 million
10	Marathi	62 million
11	Nepali	2 million
12	Oriya	28 million
13	Punjabi	23 million
14	Sanskrit	49.7 thousand
15	Sindhi	2.1 million
16	Tamil	53 million
17	Telugu	66 million
18	Urdu	43 million

Assamese is the language of Assam and is spoken by nearly 60 percent of the State population. It developed as a literary language from the 13th Century.

Bengali, one of the leading Indo-Aryan languages, is the official language of West Bengal. It too developed as a language in the 13th Century and is now spoken by nearly 200 million people in West Bengal and in Bangladesh.

Bengali is spoken by almost the entire population of Bangladesh. Like Hindi, it is descended from Sanskrit, and has the most extensive literature of any modern Indian language.

Gujarati is the official language of the state of Gujarat and is spoken by 70 percent of the State population. Gujarat started out as an independent language around AD 1200. It is now one of the most developed languages in India.

Hindi is numerically the biggest of the Indo-Aryan family and is the official language of India. Two major varieties of Hindi are spoken; Western Hindi, which originated in the area around Delhi, includes literary Hindi and Urdu and Eastern Hindi is spoken mainly in central Uttar Pradesh and eastern Madhya Pradesh. There are various dialects of Hindi. In six states and union Territories, Hindi is the official language.

Kannada is the state language of Karnataka and is spoken by 65 percent of the state population. It belongs to the Dravidian family, and dates back to the 9th Century as an independent language.

Kashmiri is a language of the Indo-Aryan group and is often mistaken as the state language of Jammu and Kashmir. Urdu is the state language of Jammu and Kashmir. Kashmiri speaking population of the state comes to around 55% of the total population. Kashmiri literature goes back to AD 1200.

Konkani, the official language of Goa, is principally based on classical Sanskrit and belongs to the southwestern branch of Indo-Aryans. It is spoken by thousands of Konkanis in Maharashtra, Karnataka and Kerala also.

Malayalam, a branch of the Dravidian family is the official language of the state of Kerala. It is also spoken in Lakshwadeep islands. Malayalam developed as an independent language, by the 10th Century AD. It is the youngest of all developed languages in the Dravidian family.

Marathi, the Indic language, dates back to the 13th Century. It is the official language of Maharashtra. Though Marathi separated from the Indo-Aryan stock at a very early date , it has today a fully developed literature of the modern type.

Oriya, a branch of the Indo-Aryan family, is the official language of the State of Orissa, where the Oriya speaking population comprises around 82% of the total population. Oriya is found recorded as far back as the 10th Century. However, its literary career began only in the 14th Century.

Punjabi belongs to the Indo-Aryan family and is the official language of the State of Punjab. Punjabi, though very ancient, turned literary around the 15th Century. From the 19th Century, Punjabi showed vigorous development in all branches of literature. It is written in Gurmukhi script, created by the Sikh Guru, Angad.

Punjabi (Panjabi), spoken in the Punjab, a region covering parts of northeastern India and western Pakistan, was the language of the gurus, the founders of the Sikh religion. The sacred teachings of Sikhism are recorded in Punjabi in the Gurmukhi script, which was devised by a Sikh guru. In India, Punjabi is close to the Hindi language; to the west, in Pakistan, Punjabi dialects differ markedly.

Sanskrit, the classical language of India, is also one of the oldest languages in the world- perhaps the oldest to be recorded. It starts with the Rig Veda, which appears to have been composed around 2000 BC. Early Sanskrit is known as Vedic Sanskrit and covers the period between 500 BC and AD 1000.

Sindhi is spoken by a great number of people in the Northwest frontier of the Indian subcontinent comprising parts of India and Pakistan. It belongs to the Indo-Aryan family and preserved some of the archaic characteristics of the Indo-Aryan script. Sindhi is actually an offshoot of some of the dialects of the Vedic Sanskrit. Sindh, on the north west of undivided India, had always been the first to bear the onslaught of the never-ending invaders, and as such absorbed Hindi, Persian, Arabic, Turkish, English and even Portuguese. Sindh is where Persian and Indian cultures blended

Tamil is the oldest of the Dravidian languages and is the State language of Tamil Nadu. Tamil literature goes back to Centuries before the Christian era. It represents certain new literary types that are not in Sanskrit or other Aryan languages. It spoken by more than 73 million people.

Telugu is a Dravidian language spoken by the people of Andhra Pradesh. It is numerically the biggest linguistic unit in India. Telugu is found to be recorded in the 7th Century AD. However, it is only in the 11th Century that it broke out into a literary language.

Urdu is the State language of Jammu and Kashmir and is spoken by more than 28 million people In India. The name "Urdu" is derived from "Zabane-e-Urdu-Muala" which means the language of the exalted camp or court. Here it refers to the camp or court of the ruling Sultans of Delhi. Urdu and Hindi have proceeded from the same source i.e., Khariboli. Urdu is written in the Persio-Arabic script and contains many words from the Persian language.

Languages Spoken In the States and Union Terrotories Of India

Indo-Aryan languages: 491,087,116, 74.24%, Dravidian languages: 157,836,723, 23.86%

Jammu & Kashmir (Dogri, Kashmiri, Ladakhi, Punjabi, Urdu, Hindi, Baltistani, Dardi)
Himanchal Pradesh (Hindi, Pahadi)
Punjab (Punjabi, Hindi and Urdu)
Haryana (Hindi, Haryanvi, Predominantly Muslim - Urdu)
Rajasthan (Hindi, Rajasthani, Marwadi, Predominantly Muslim - Urdu)
Uttar Pradesh (Hindi, Brijbhasha, Pahadi, Avadhi, Bhojpuri, numerous others, Pred. Musl. - Urdu)
Uttaranchal (Hindi)
Chhattisgarh (Hindi)
Madhya Pradesh (Hindi, Marathi, numerous others, pred. Muslim - Urdu)
Gujarat (Gujarati)
Maharashtra (Marathi, Vidarbha region - Hindi and Marathi)
Karnataka (Kannada)
Goa (Konkani)
Kerala (Malayalam)
Tamil Nadu (Tamil)
Lakshadweep (Malayalam )
Andaman & Nicobar Islands (Andamanese)
Andhra Pradesh (Telugu, Hyderabad city - Telugu plus Urdu)
Orissa (Oriya)
Bihar (Hindi, Bhojpuri, Maithini, Santhali, Angika, numerous others, Bengali, Pred. Muslim - Urdu)
Jharkhand (Hindi)

West Bengal (Bengali)
Sikkim (Nepali, Lepcha, Bhutia)
Assam (Assamese, others)
Meghalaya (Garo, Khasi)
Arunanchal Pradesh (Nissi, Daffla)
Mizoram (Mizo)
Nagaland (Naga)
Tripura (Tripuri, Bengali, Kuki)
Delhi (Hindi)

Please print out a copy of the linguistic map of India from http://www.mapsofindia.com/maps/india/indianlanguages.htmand use as a reference material for this topic.
Source : Sudha Jamthe , US

Copycats in Indian Film Music!!!

Copycats in Indian Film Music!!!

CopyCats have alwas existed in Indian film music - right from SD Burman, RD Burman to the recent Vishal-Shekhar, Nadeem Shravan and of course Anu Malik. This phenomenon has been there in tamil movies too - right from the Un Aattamellaam song from Ali Baba-vum 40 thirudargalum (copied from Ya Habibi Taala By Asmahan) to the three blatant lifts in Kadhal Kondein (by Yuvan Shankar) . However, the originality seems to be lower in Hindi movies. This is what I could infer from the site www.itwofs.com, which is a great database of copied songs! Look at the sheer number of hindi songs that have been copied -way too high!

Sometimes, u feel so shocked to find that the song which was a big hit and the one that u liked was copied. I got such a shock, when I came across this on www.itwofs.com:

The song that made Hassan Jehangir a household name across the 2 countries - Hawa hawa. This chartbuster was first released in 1990 in Pakistan, but strangely enough, its Iranian original is as old as the 70s! Yes, the original is called 'Havar havar' and was by Persian singer Kourosh Yaghmai.

U can listen to the source song at the address mentioned above.

(In this site, ITWOFS, a convention is followed. A TC tag next to an entry means that the tune itself is lifted. The lack of creativity (or shall we say, absence of creativity?) of the music director can be gauged from this.)

Source:http://arrahmaniac.blogspot.com/

A.R.Rahman & Sachin Tendulkar - A comparison

A.R.Rahman & Sachin Tendulkar - A comparison

Many people who became die-hard Rahman fans in the 90s were also hardcore Sachin fans (including me!). I have seen this in many cases... My friend Radhakrishnan who is also a Rahmaniac also was of the same opinion! I think this phenomenon is not without a reason, the reason being similarities between the two. Got this interesting comparison by Maddy, from ForumHub:

A startling but very logical coincidences between 2 of the greatest men of 90's......they characterised the 90's and were icons of the youth at that time......just see the startling similarities between these 2:

Entry into their respective fields:

A.R.Rahman (ARR): 1992
Sachin Tendulkar (SRT): 1989

They were an instant hit because:

ARR: Blasting music, classical songs at a very young age
SRT: Swashbuckling batting and a great cricketing sense at a very young age

How they stood out from others?

ARR: First to bring digital touch to Indian music and compose fusion that no one else dares to think off.
SRT: First to explore the first 15-over restriction, score centuries at bouncy, tough tracks like Perth.

As time moved on:

ARR: Stopped producing blasting music, instead delivered Classical melodies like Taal, Swades, Bose, Meenaxi and Tehzeeb out of maturity.
SRT: Stopped going over the top to bowlers, instead played exquisite drives and late cuts and produced innings with a lot of maturity.

Character similarity:

ARR: Shy towards media and lets his keyboard answer his critics
SRT: Shy towards media and lets his bat answer his critics

Media point of view:

ARR: Darling of Mumbai and London press
SRT: Darling of Mumbai and London press

International attention:

ARR: Admired by Andrew Lloyd Webber , Micheal jackson (who wore a t-shirt having Rahman's photo on it) and many other international music reviewers who want him to compose for Hollywood films.
SRT: Adored by the man himself the "DON" Bradman and Mike Atherton(who compared Sachin to W.G.Grace) and a never ending list of Australian, English, Kiwi, WestIndian players.

Earnings:

ARR: Draws 1 Crore/ film, ambassador of Bharti telecom, sizzled with the Airtel ad
SRT: Unimaginable money on contracts with big commercial giants. Sizzles in Pepsi ads.Records:

ARR: 4 national awards, 17 filmfare awards, his music sold 210 million copies around the world (more than Britney and Madonna put together!!) and success rate of 80%+ album sales in Indian movies.
SRT: Look at this for a record: 37 ODI centuries, 35 TEST centuries, 13,000+ runs in ODI's, 44+ average in ODI's and 58+ average in Tests. What else u can ask for?

Popularity:

ARR: Has a huge fan following in India and in south he is a demi-god and captures the imagination of NRI's throughout the world
SRT: According to a survey, he is the most popular man in the Country edging out the Prime Minister and Shah-Rukh-Khan. He is popular even in places like U.S where the game is not that popular (featured in an exclusive article in an American sports magazine)

Career Graph & Present form:

ARR: Had fabulous nineties with all his albums doing well in this time. Reached dizzying heights during this period. Have had flops with major bannerssince 2001, which got the critics interested. Had a great 2003 within this lean patch with Boys creating sales records. His fans base however is intact, proved that with success of Ah Aah album.
SRT: The star of 90’s, his batting propelled him into a youth icon status in India and was concurred with many awards from the government. Being pressurized by the detractors for a imaginary loss of form and injury worries since 2001. Had a great world cup 2003 scoring runs at will. Recently has had a good innings in a one-day match to prove that he is still fit.(Their career-graph is one of the most fascinating things I have ever noticed, they always seem to have good times together. Bad times also coincides for both of them)

Fans:

ARR: Die-hard fans want him to go back to 90’s style of composing
SRT:Never say die fans want him to take up 90’s style of swashbuckling batting.

Successors:

ARR: His successors like Yuvan Shankar Raja and Himesh Reshammiya are more successful than him right now but no way near to him in terms of class.
SRT: Yuvraj Singh, Mohammed Kaif are more popular with people than him right now but as the old west-Indian saying goes: "Form is temporary, but class is permanent".

Duplicates:

ARR: Has a duplicate called Harris Jeyaraj who not only copies ARR's music and composing style but also his hairstyle and way of speaking in interviews.
SRT: Virendar Sehwag, a natural duplicate of sachin with looks and batting style similar to him. Called “Najafgarh ka Tendulkar”. (Najafgarh is Virendar Sehwag’s hometown.)

Where will they end up?:

ARR: Probably will put India into the world map of music and create records which upcoming Indian M.D's can't even dream of.
SRT: It would probably take an android or a special species of human being to erase his record in Cricket. Will always be remembered as the greatest ever batsman of modern era.

13 Differences Between Women and Men

13 Differences Between Women and Men

1. NAMES:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go for shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. FINAL THOUGHT:

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

Answer me if u can!

Answer me if u can!

1. Can you cry under water?

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

4. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8. What disease did cured ham actually have?

9. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

13. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

14. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

15. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???

16. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

17. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

18. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

20. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things
here, and drink whatever comes out!"

21. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

22. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (i've always wondered..

23. When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

25. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

26. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

27. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

28. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

29. What do you call male ballerinas?

30. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

31. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

32. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

33. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

34. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

35. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

36. Why did you just try singing the two songs above? (lmno...)

37. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

38. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

39. why is it called building if its already built?

40.why is it called lipstick if you still can move your lips?

41.if swimming is good for the figure how do you explain the whales?

Doubt in Mahabharat

Doubt in Mahabharat

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kamsa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.
First son is born, and kamsa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak.
Third one is born..."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)

Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kamsa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................

Thirupacchi - An Ultimate Review

V have never got a sequel in tamil movies as compared to Hollywood movies...
But here is one...
"Thirupacchi" - Bagavathi Part II.

There is a scene in the movie - 'Maganadigan' where a director ll b telling a story to Sathyaraj (with that 'Dubbatta Dubbatta' song). Sathyaraj'll refuse to act in that movie. But that Lucky chance was then offered to Vijay.

Now the Story.......

our Vijay is an "Aruva maker" near tirupacchi, has a 'pasamalar' kind sister. She has no costume designer for the movie. So, she ll wearing only Vijay's Nike shirts.... Only in tamil movies.... even pattikkattu heroes ll b wearing such kind of stuff.

Whenever these come in one frame, music ll automatically start.... 'lalala....lala...lalala'.

Ok, back to the story. Vijay wants his sister to be married to a city guy only and gets an idiot from chennai. Vijay comes along with the married couple to chennai.

as u expect Trisha is the next door gal, will fall in love with the Hero (Who wants the reasons after all).

I wonder what Trisha if for in the movie!!! She just whips in with a couple of useless dialogs trying to suggest vijay ( the real hero of the movie ) that she is the heroine in the movie. However her wardrobe is quite good and she looks fine......She made all that of her's dance in the very worthy song " appan panna thappulae ". hats off to perarusu who has used tamil verbal skills in a prolofic way to give us such a phiosophical song!

Cut the story there......

Introduction of Villains (saniyan sagadai, pattasu balu, panparag ravi). Each one of them rule different parts of Chennai (North, South, Middle) and has different manerisms.

Pattasu balu (played by Pasupathi) ll kill his oppenents by using crackers. (Our Hero ll spoil it once by using water just like that)

Panparag Ravi (new villain) ll kill his oppenents by using Cockroach sprayer. (our hero uses the same thing to kill him)

n the ultimate Saniyan Sagadai (thotta sennivasarao) ll kill his oppenents by using his dialogues itself. (our hero ll also give some 'Punch' dialogues b4 killing him).

Continuation of Story....

Our Hero gets shocked by the gundas in chennai, worries for his sister's life and gets his friend killed by one of the villain. (They ll project Chennai as dangerous as Iraq n Afghanistan)

Vijay sends back his pregnant sister to his village and promises his sister's child (unborn) to bring back peace(......!) in Chennai b4 his birth.

Finally as u all expect he kills all the villains in Chennai and hugs Trisha (they ll show only that 1). Police ll happily celebrate New Year.
and inbetween all these there are 5 fights, 6 songs, 1000000 sentiment scenes.

Before killing the villains Vijay ll give a punch Dialogue... 'Idhu kolai alla.... VADHAM'. These dialogue also suits the movie... 'Idhu padam alla.... VADHAM'

"Thirupacchi" - Blade illa Aruva..........

Guys... I prefer u to watch this movie if U,

1. Have donated a lot to Tsunami... and have lot of money n donno what to do with that.

2. Want to see a 200% comedy movie.

3. feel that 'Sullan', 'Bagavathi', 'Red' r the worst movie ever made.

4. are a Ajith Fan.

SOME QUOTES ON MARRIED LIFE

HI THERE.......

THESE R SOME QUOTES ON MARRIED LIFE..........(100% for Fun only!no way related with my ATTITUDE)

HAV FUN READING IT...............

All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems

The difference between marriage and death?- Dead people are free

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife& sharks for the wife's mother

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. – Socrates

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence

marketing concepts

Professor at IIM A was explaining marketing concepts:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.You go up to her and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich.Marry him."That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi,I'm very rich.Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,"By the way, I'm very rich.Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,"You are very rich.." That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich.Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.That's Customer Feedback !!!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.That's demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" she turns her face towards you ...............................................she is your wife !That's competition eating into your market share.

The Do's And Don'ts For All Zodiac Signs

The Do's And Don'ts For All Zodiac Signs

Aries (March 21 to April 20)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Aries are naturally active and vibrant people and they tend to like such people too. You will have to increase your pace to be in step with them. They like and appreciate frank and straightforward persons. With them you can be your true self (but don't try your luck being over frank-they are volatile). If you are in love with an Arien, then you have to show your enthusiasm in all their activities (you can always yawn later!).

DON'TS

Do not tell an may Aries that s/he may be wrong. Any such statement stir a storm in a teacup. Aries are very faithful and passionate lovers. Do not give air to the smouldering fire within them by making them jealous. No flirtation or fooling around with others in their presence unless of course you wish to write your death wish (you will be granted!).

Taurus (April 21 to May 21)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Stability and dependability characterise Taurus. They like people who can blend and grow with them. If you have a Taurus partner you should appreciate all things bright and beautiful. They have an inherent artistic sense and are fond of colour and music. Judge life with them from a purely materialistic point of view. Enjoy everything luxurious that money can provide. Enjoy good food (better if you can cook to please them) and good drinks with them.

DON'TS

Taurus do not loose their temper easily (in fact you may spend the whole life with them and still no spark) but you should not push your luck too much. Being unreasonable or aggressive with them may get you into trouble. Do not press him/her into a corner, and if you do, be prepared for a violent rage. Taurus is capable of violent outbursts though such an event is is very rare occasions. They can be suffocating when they are possessive about you.

Gemini (May 22 to June 21)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Gemini is a highly intellectual and versatile person. If you have a Gemini partner you have to match your wits with his/her wits to keep the zing in the relationship. They want to be mentally stimulated so you have to be good at conversing. Your sense of humour will get you a permanent residence in the heart of a Gemini. Be more communicative with them, and if you are good at this, you will never know how hours pass by holding each other's hand.

DON'TS

Gemini's like to do many things at the same time, so if unfortunately you are the type who is looking for stability you may get disappointed. Do not hold back a Gemini or you may lose him/her, as they are restless and need change in life constantly. You should try to adopt yourself with the ever-changing Gemini. Orthodox or conservative old fashion ideas are no-no in their dictionary. Change with the ever-changing Gemini and do not flow against the current.

Cancer (June 22 to July 22)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Try to adapt yourself with the changing moods of the Cancer. At one moment they may be laughing and enjoying and in another they may sulk. You may have to adjust with the moody and sensitive Cancer. They are like the tides in the ocean, always fluctuating. Cancerians love food, so if you know how to cook and can be poetic and romantic (added Bonus) then you know the way to their heart.

DON'TS

Cancerians are very sensitive people and can get easily hurt. So do not play with their emotions and sentiments. They are like tides that can sweep you along. They form emotional bonds with even inanimate things, so do not ask them to discard old caps or souvenirs. Such things hold special meaning to them. You have to realise that the crabs have a soft heart and are vulnerable. Do not contradict their tested line of thought and action, it would only lead to confusion.

Leo (July 23 to August 23)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

If you have Leo partner respect him and his majestic manners. Accept the advice of Leo, the lion, as he is the king of the jungle. It is the sign of a showman, so if your partner does everything in grand style enjoy it. They fall easily for flattery and want to be centre of attraction of all eyes (sometimes they can be quiet theatrical too).

DON'TS

Never ever hurt the ego of a Leo. Pride, ego and vanity are some of the bags Leo's always carry with them. Do not touch these bags. An authoritative Leo is even more difficult to handle in such circumstances. Leo is a sunny sign so they do not like people who are gloomy or depressed. Even if you are crying at heart keep a sunny smile on your lips and then let the lion take charge and remove all worries from your life.

Virgo (August 24 to September 22)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Virgo's are very methodical and have a great sense of duty. Howver, they are blind to their own faults. So, if you have a Virgo partner emphasise more on their qualities. Take keen interest in what they are doing and you will realise that they will go out of their way to help you. Do rely and appreciate their mental powers rather than their physical powers. They can turn even an unsuccessful venture into a success.

DON'TS

Do not push a Virgo into limelight or on the centre stage unless of course they do so on their own. They are shy and reserved by nature and do not like to be the cynosure of all eyes. Virgo's have secrets that they would not like to bring out in the open. So, even if you have the key to their secret skeleton-closet, hide it; do not even admit that you know anything about it. Virgo, the virgins, do not want to tarnish their public image.

Libra (September 23 to October 23)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Librans need peace and harmony in all their relationships, so help them maintain that. Venus, the ruling planet, gives them beauty and they have weakness for people who can compliment them about their beauty (you will not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You can help Libra seek union and partnership in life. If you have a Libra partner you can be sure to share beautiful and pleasurable moments together.

DON'TS

Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence, do not start an argument or discussion unless, of course, you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably during an argument may change sides too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from the other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience !

Scorpio (October 24 to November 22)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Scorpio's are full of passion and zest for life. They have tremendous drive that can involve you too. Tune in to their wavelength and you can enjoy the harmony and music of life with them. Scorpio's are loyal and never forget a kind deed done by you. If you want to enjoy life with your Scorpio lover, share their passion and intensity and you will be fascinated by how beautiful life can be with them.

DON'TS

Scorpio's are very passionate and intense but they are also fiercely possessive and would like to possess your mind, body and soul. Do not let seeds of jealousy grow in them because then you may have to suffer agonies of jealousy and discontentment in life. Scorpio's have explosive tempers be careful how you handle them. They never let anyone know what is going on in their mind till they strike and you may be caught unawares. Do not flirt around in the presence of your Scorpio lover.

Sagittarius (November 23 to December 21)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Sagittarius is basically a happy go lucky kind. You can enjoy with them their zest and enthusiasm for life. They bubble with excitement. And if you share the same interests and hobbies, life can be great fun together. They are frank and straightforward so if you want some truthful opinion about anything or anyone go to them. Be optimistic as they are and view life as glass half full.

DON'TS

Sagittarius is fiercely independent and cannot tolerate restriction. Hence, do not try to hold them back in life. Let them enjoy their freedom because if you hold any special place in their heart they will always come back for you. Do not feel irritated by the exaggeration in their speech. They may go on and on, talking about certain things that may not even interest you, but its their way of trying to communicate with you. They are basically frank and outspoken (to the point of being rude), so do not feel offended by their talks.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 20)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Capricornians are strong and dependable. Hence, if you want to put your money on anyone it is of course this zodiac sign. They are practical and conservative in their outlook and they expect you to blend in their colour. They set certain standards for themselves in their life and they will always try to maintain those standards. For them social status and image is very important in life.

DON'TS

Do not expect a Capricorn mate to open his/her heart and pour everything to you. They are very secretive and reserved people. They are very thorough in all their affairs and hate any kind of sloppiness. People born under this zodiac are very tight-fisted and economical. Do not expect lavish gifts from them and if they do give you any gift (that is very rare) it will have some practical use (no romance please) but that does not mean you will be deprived of anything; on the contrary you will be well provided.

Aquarius (January 21 to February 19)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Aquarius are friendly and fascinating people. They have in-depth knowledge about various subjects and you can converse with them for hours without getting bored. They are capable of giving a lot of love that can be amazing. They have a very broad outlook of life and you can relax in their presence. They will always welcome your ideas and actions about humanitarian causes. To keep an Aquarius lover interested you must possess that mysterious and intriguing quality. Once hooked they will always be very faithful to you.

DON'TS

Do not expect or plan a normal, simple and predictable life with an Aquarius partner. Aquarians are totally unpredictable. They can go to any direction without giving any advance notice. They are basically very restless and get bored easily. Though they are very friendly, do not expect them to reveal their inner most feelings to you (they never will). They can be detached and impersonal, which may seem strange to others.

Pisces (February 20 to March 20)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DO'S

Pisceans are sensitive and charming. If you are looking for someone who is understanding and can understand your feelings then you have met the right person. You should appreciate their feelings too, as in your time of need they are sure to help you. Pisces have a keenly developed sixth sense and have great intuitive powers. Their hunches may usually be right on mark. But they can exhaust their physical and mental energies. They are born dreamers and you can build palaces with your dream lover (only in real life it may become a little difficult preposition).

DON'TS

Pisces are dreamers and you should not expect them to have worldly ambitions. They are not materialistic in nature. It is not that they like living below the poverty line but they have no earnest desire to accumulate wealth. They are very sensitive and you have to be always careful about their feelings. The fishes are capable of drowning you in their tears (even men born under this sign).

Some of the tongue twisters

1.If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say"don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".Howdo I understand that you understand? Understand!

2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish thewitch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

3.Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

4.A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could seewas sea, sea, sea.

5.Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

6.If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watchwhich watch?

7.I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought Ithought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been thethought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

8.Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to afellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What afellow means?"

9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside.Mr Inside stood outside andcalled to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from insideand Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told MrOutside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside andoutside about going outside or coming inside. Finally,Mr Outside coaxedMr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside wentoutside to the riverside.

10.The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his insideoutside his inside inn.

11.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors thedoctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Ordoes the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors? "When adoctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctordoctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctordoctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

12.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather befine,Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Orwhether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever theweather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot.Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It iswhether we like it or not.

13.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

14.A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Saidthe flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through aflaw in the flue

15.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twistedas tongue-twister twists tongues.

16.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawedSoar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seenSee's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawedSoar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to seeSoar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw

If you love someone.....

THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone, Set her free... If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she never was....
THE NEW VERSIONS.....

Pessimist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love someone, Set her free ... *If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat *

C++ Programmer :
if(you-love(m_she)) /* m name of girlfriend */
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist :
If you love someone, Set her free, In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love someone, Set her free, Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates :
If you love someone, Set her free, If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist :
If you love someone, Set her free, She'll evolve.

Statisticians :
If you love someone, Set her free, If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone, Set her free, SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person :
If you love someone don't set her free.

HR specialist :
If you love someone set her free by Offering her VRS and other benefits Then out source her.

MBA :
If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist :
If you love someone set her free If she comes back her super ego is dominant If she doesn't come back her id is supreme If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist :
If you love someone set her free If she comes back it's a nightmare If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert :
If you love someone set her free If she comes back, map her into your system If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance expert :
If you love someone set her free If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist :
If you love someone set her free If she comes back she has brand loyalty If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market

Something really intresting...

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.THAT'S relativity.
Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
-Jean Cocturan

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday
always just exactly fits the newspaper.
- Jerry Seinfeld

"Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome."

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Dont worry that the world ends today, its already tomorrow in Australia.

U learn in life when u lose

Roles in Heaven

Roles in Heaven :

Brahma
Systems Installation

Vishnu
Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi
Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati
Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva
DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh
Quality Assuarance & Documentation

Narada
Data transfer

Yama
Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta
IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras
Downloadable Viruses

Devas
Mainframe Programmers

Surya
Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas
In house Hackers

Ravan
Internet Explorer WWWF

Kumbhakarnan
Zombie Process

Lakshman
Support Software and Backup

Hanuman
Linux/s390

Vaali
MS Windows

Sugreeva
DOS

Jatayu
Firewall

Dronacharya
System Programmer

Vishwamitra
Sr. Manager Projects

Shakuni
Annual appraisal & Promotion

Valmiki
Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)

Krishna
SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )

Dharmaraj Yudhishthira
ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)

Arjun
Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu
Trainee Programmer

Draupadi
Motivation & Team building

Bhima
MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM

Duryodhana
Microsoft product Written in VB

Karna
Contract programmer

Dhrutarashtra
Visual C++

Gandhari
Dreamweaver

100 Kauravas
Microsoft Service Packs and patches

People may actually write such applications!!

People actually write such applications!!!
This is an actual collection of leave letters and applications written by people.

1. A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement
calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.

2. An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave.

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as
follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request
you to leave me today"

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".

7. A covering note "I am enclosed herewith..."

8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

9. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

Hope u had a hearty laugh!

Anatomy of a True Friend

Anatomy of a True Friend

Eyes:
Will always see you for the way you really are, your true self.

Ears:
Will always have them open to listen.

Mouth:
To always tell you the truth and give their opinions, tell you when you mess up or do something good.

Shoulders:
Will offer when you need one to cry on and will be your strength when you find it hard to carry yourself. Will always let you lean on them.

Heart:
To love you for who you are and not judge. Will always have a place there for you.

Hands:
To hold yours when you need a little guidance, to lend when you need help, and to help you up when you may fall.

Arms:
Will always make you feel comfortable in them and to offer hugs when you need one. Will try to warm when you are cold.

Feet:
To walk with you throughout your life and be the best friend they can be.

Lessons in logic!!!

Lessons in logic!!!

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?



I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.


If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?



Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.



How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?



Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.



One should love animals.They are so tasty.


Behind every successful man,
there is a womanAnd behind every unsuccessful man,
there are two.


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing inlife.



The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.



Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.



Never put off the work till tomorrowwhat you can put off today.


"Your future depends on your dreams"So go to sleep



There should be a better way to start a dayThan waking up every morning



"Hard work never killed anybody"But why take the risk



"Work fascinates me"I can look at it for hours


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.



The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.



A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........



If your father is a poor man,it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,it's your stupidity

Why student fails in exam???????

Why student fails in exam???????

It's not the fault of the student if he/she fails, Because the year has an 'ONLY 365' days.

Typical academic year for a student.

1. Sundays- 52,Sundays in a year, which are rest days. Balance 313 days.

2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Balance 263 days.

3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 122 days. Balance 141 days.

4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days. Balance 126 days.

5. Two hours daily for food & other delicacies (chew properly & eat)-means 30days. Balance 96 days.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days . Balance 81 days.

7. Exam days per year at least 35 days. Balance 46 days.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival holidays)-40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness at least 3 days. Balance 3 days.

10. Movies and functions at least 2 days. Balance 1 day.

11. That 1 day is your birthday.


"How can a student pass??"

99 SECRETS GIRLS HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT GUYS

99 SECRETS GIRLS HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT GUYS

1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.

2. Guys hate flirts.

3. A guy can like you for a minute, and then forget you afterwards.

4. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.

5. "Are you doing something?" or "Have you eaten already?" are the first usual questions a guy asks on the phone just to get out from stammering.

6. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

7. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.

8. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

9. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.

10. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend.

11. When guys want to meet your parents. Let them.

12. Guys want to tell you many things but they can't. And they sure have one habit to gain courage and spirit to tell you many things and it is drinking!

13. Guys cry!!!

14. Don't provoke the guy to heat up. Believe me. He will.

15. Guys can never dream and hope too much.

16. Guys usually try hard to get the girl who has dumped them, and this makes it harder for them to accept their defeat.

17. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.

18. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...never mind!" would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking.

19. Guys go crazy when girls touch their hands.

20. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.

21. When a guy makes a prolonged "umm" or makes any excuses when you're asking him to do you a favor, he's actually saying that he doesn't like you and he can't lay down the card for you.

22. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."

23. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.

24. Guys hate gays!

25. Guys love their moms.

26. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.

27. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.
28 You can never understand him unless you listen to him.

29. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.

30. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.

31. Like Eve, girls are guys’ weaknesses.

32. Guys are very open about themselves.

33. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.

34. No guy is bad when he is courting

35. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.

36. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.

37. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.

38. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

39. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

40. A guy finds ways to keep you off from linking with someone else.

41. Guys love girls with brains more than girls in miniskirts.

42. Guys try to find the stuffed toy a girl wants but would unluckily get the wrong one.

43. Guys virtually brag about anything.

44. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them.

45. Guys think too much.

46. Guys' fantasies are unlimited.

47. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does!

48. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!

49. When a girl makes the boy suffer during courtship, it would be hard for him to let go of that girl.

50. It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more.

51. You have to tell a guy what you really want before getting involved with that guy.

52. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be matured and grow up.

53. When an unlikable circumstance comes, guys blame themselves a lot more than girls do. They could even hurt themselves physically.

54. Guys have strong passion to change but have weak will power.

55. Guys are tigers in their peer groups but become tamed pussycats with their girlfriends.

56. When a guy pretends to be calm, check if he's sweating. You'll probably see that he is nervous.

57. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl. He really is.

58. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me"

59. Guys don't really have final decisions.

60. When a guy loves you, bring out the best in him.

61. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him.

62. If a guy has been kept shut or silent, say something.

63. Guys believe that there's no such thing as love at first sight, but court the girls anyway and then realize at the end that he is wrong.

64. Guys like femininity not feebleness.

65. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.

66. A guy may instantly know if the girl likes him but can never be sure unless the girl tells him.
67. A guy would waste his time over video games and basketball, the way a girl would do over her romance novels and make-ups. 68. Guys love girls who can cook or bake.

69. Guys like girls who are like their moms. No kidding!

70. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

71. A guy's friend knows everything about him. Use this to your advantage.

72. Don't be a snob. Guys may easily give up on the first sign of rejection.

73. Don't be biased. Try loving a guy without prejudice and you'll be surprised.

74. Girls who bathe in their eau de perfumes do more repelling than attracting guys.

75. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.

76. Guys don't comprehend the statement "Get lost" too well.

77. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions but still love them more.

78. When a guy gives a crooked or pretentious grin at your jokes, he finds them offending and he just tried to be polite.

79. Guys don't care about how shiny their shoes are unlike girls.

80. Guys tend to generalize about girls but once they get to know them,they'll realize they're wrong.

81. Any guy can handle his problems all by his own. He's just too stubborn to deal with it.

82. Guys find it so objectionable when a girl swears.

83. Guys' weakest point is at the knee.

84. When a problem arises, a guy usually keeps himself cool but is already thinking of a way out.
85. When a guy is conscious of his looks, it shows he is not good at fixing things.

86. When a guy looks at you, either he's amazed of you or he's criticizing you.

87. When you catch him cheating on you and he asks for a second chance, give it to him. But when you catch him again and he asks for another chance, ignore him.

88. If a guy lets you go, he really loves you.

89. If you have a boyfriend, and your boy best friend always glances at you and it obviously shows that he is jealous whenever you're with your boyfriend, all I can say is your boy best friend loves you more than your boyfriend does.

90. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.

91. You can tell if a guy is really hurt or in pain when he cries in front of you!

92. If a guy suddenly asks you for a date, ask him first why.

93. When a guy says he can't sleep if he doesn't hear your voice even just for one night, hang up. He also tells that to another girl. He only flatters you and sometimes makes fun of you.

94. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.

95. Guys seek for advice not from a guy but from a girl.

96. Girls are allowed to touch boys' things. Not their hair!

97. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.

98. Guys hate girls who overreact.

99. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

Microsoft Programming In C

Microsoft Programming In C

Microsoft Programming In C

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}

while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);/* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}

switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be readyin", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run ona 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant 'cos all those customerswill need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are justhere to make a better world for everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "writea nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}

while (vapourware)

{

introduction_date++; /* Delay*/
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);

}

release(beta_version)

while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

{

bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);

if (customers_report_installation_problems)

{

say("that is a hardwareproblem, not a software problem");

if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)

{

ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");

}

}

if (there_is_another_company)

{

steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);

}

} /* Now everyone realizesthat we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */

order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

}



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

void bugfix(void)

{

charge (a_lot_of_money);

if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)

say("It is not a bugfixbut a new version");

if (still_complaints)

{

ignore(customer);
register(customer, Big_Bill_Book); /* We'll get him when everyone usesBillware!!*/

}

}

These are new rules in the MNC's

These are new rules in the MNC's


Dear Staff,

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

Transportation:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Annual Leave:

Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!). They are called Sundays.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

SURGERY:

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Internet Usage :

All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. (note: Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection).
Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Your Project Manager