Microsoft Programming In C

Microsoft Programming In C

Microsoft Programming In C

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}

while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);/* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}

switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be readyin", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run ona 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant 'cos all those customerswill need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are justhere to make a better world for everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "writea nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}

while (vapourware)

{

introduction_date++; /* Delay*/
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);

}

release(beta_version)

while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

{

bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);

if (customers_report_installation_problems)

{

say("that is a hardwareproblem, not a software problem");

if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)

{

ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");

}

}

if (there_is_another_company)

{

steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);

}

} /* Now everyone realizesthat we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */

order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

}



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

void bugfix(void)

{

charge (a_lot_of_money);

if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)

say("It is not a bugfixbut a new version");

if (still_complaints)

{

ignore(customer);
register(customer, Big_Bill_Book); /* We'll get him when everyone usesBillware!!*/

}

}